Ask Doctor Fowler

Comtemporary lifestyle advice from a 19th century phrenologist.
Email your questions to askdoctorfowler@yahoo.com.

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Location: New York, New York, United States

I am an esteemed phrenologist and the author of numerous books on topics such as physiology, sex, marriage, memory, creativity, and parenting. During the 1830s and 1840s, I was one of the major proponents of phrenology in the United States. I often worked and published with my brother Lorenzo Fowler.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Phat Fashions

Dear Dr. Fowler

I'm a rather large man who recently underwent gastric bypass surgery to reduce my weight. After the pain subsided and I got used to only being able to eat a teaspoon of food at a time, the weight started to fly off. Now I'm only a few pounds away from my desired weight! My question is, I'm starting to get the confidence to ask women out online, since there's nothing I love more than cuddling under the stars and engaging in some erotic Japanimation role playing. I'm a little embarrassed by
my body, though, since it's been through the ringer recently. Do you have any fashion tips for guys like me to look their best and get the girl?

Sincerely,
Phatty Enjoys Giving Girls Erotic Romance
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Dear PEGGER,

WHAT GIVES this fulsome goddess fashion her power among men? What all-controlling human motive enables her to lord it thus imperiously over all civilization? Behold the untold billions expended at her gaudy shrine! Hundreds of billions worse than wasted! Behold all "society," all "respectables," all "social positions," all aristocrats, even all pietarians kneeling at her feet, begging to kiss her great toe! UTTERLY ACCURSED this whole fashionable paraphernalia. As a total waste of human time, money, and energy, it has no equal. O Fashion, thou shouldst not thus outrage every single commandment. Oh, when will genuine men be able to find genuine women to love and cherish! When will this gaudy age of fuss and feathers, of shows and shams, of practical hypocrisies and lies, of artificialities without realities, have an end?

MANLINESS ALONE ENAMORS, attracts, captivates, women; alone gains and retains female love, individual and collective: so that he is most admired, and loved by wife, sweetheart, and the sex, who manifests the most of it in the best manner. Whenever any woman loves a man, it is because he has manifested towards her masculine attributes; but if she subsequently dislikes him, it is because he has violated some masculine natural law towards her.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Legendary Party

Dear Dr. Fowler,

I am in charge of planning a party, and I need some advice. What is the key to an awesome, rocking party that will go down in history? Also, I want to get laid.

Party Planner in Poughkeepsie, NY
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Dear PP,

Wine or ardent spirit of some kind is indispensable to any and every debauch.

That they powerfully excite Amativeness is attested by the fact that they always enhance sensuality. The vulgarity and licentiousness they occasion are proverbial. Do they not incline all drinking parties to indecent allusions, the narration of obscene stories, and the singing of lewd songs, if not to carnal indulgence itself? The introduction of wine after dinner admonishes modest woman to retire, because she knows her delicacy is liable to be shocked if she remain.

These drinks drown the voice of conscience, blunt modesty, stifle the claims of morality, intellect, and virtue, and whirl their guilty victims on their sensual career of merely animal indulgence. Men and woman, be they ever so moral and virtuous, under the influence of intoxicating drinks, are not safe. Before the first advantage can be taken of a virtuous woman, without force, she must be partly intoxicated; and intoxication will render most females unchaste in feeling, if not in action. And if this be true of virtuous woman, what is the fact of less virtuous man?

Sunday, April 30, 2006

College: B.S. or bs?

Dear Doctor Fowler,

Next year will be my senior year in high school... and I still cannot decide if college is right for me. Should I go to college?

Junior in Johnstown
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Dear Junior,

To this oft-repeated question the principles of this work answer - NOT AS NOW CONDUCTED. Let the lives and practice of all professional men bear witness to this decisive question. Does not a collegiate education tie graduates down with the shackles of antiquity, and thus chain society to the past, instead of "pressing forward" in the road of PROGRESSION? Few college graduate become imbued with a truly scientific spirit - an independent love of all truth - but almost all refuse to examine any new subject not found in their musty book. They make very few important discoveries.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sorter courters

Dear Dr. Fowler

I'm a senior at Indiana University, about to graduate and hopin' to be picked up by the NBA. My friends consider me a player--both on and off the court. I've got a girl I like a whole lot, but if I do get drafted, I'm gonna have swarms of ladies to choose from. I don't want to let my girl go just yet, but it seems wrong to string her along. What should I do?

-Hoosier playin' headgames
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Dear Hoosier,

NATURE'S MATING PERIOD IS SHORT, lasting only from nineteen to twenty-three: so make the most of it. Waste no more of your own time, or that of the other sex, than is absolutely necessary to a right selection and mating. A YOUNG HOOSIER asked a young Hoosieress for her company, and was answered thus:--

"Sall, aint nobody acourtin you now, nor nuthin?"
"WALL, SAM, there's one fellar a sorter courtin, and a sorter not; but I reckon as its more sorter not, than sorter: so come along."

THIS "SORTER AND SORTER NOT" mode of courting, this calling every now and then on a girl, just often enough to encourage and discourage all her other admirers, till her sexual bloom wanes, and mating season passes, does her an injury about as great as any one can ever perpetrate; and wrongs her as no man should wrong any woman. You sorter courters, hurry up.